|Directed by||Jake Szymanski|
|Starring||Daniel Doheny, Geraldine Viswanathan, Sadie Calvano, Luke Spencer Roberts, Eduardo Franco|
|Released on||August 10, 2018 (United States)|
Sometimes teen movies are good. Sometimes they’re bad. Sometimes they’re in the in between. But. Sometimes they’re just downright unwatchable and that’s the category that Netflix’s The Package falls in.
Occasionally a film will make a penis joke that’s funny and I’ll laugh along with everyone else. Emphasis on the word occasionally. But The Package film takes it so far that it isn’t even middy amusing anymore. The Package is about a bunch of boys who decide to go camping. Sean (Daniel Doheny), Donnie (Luke Spencer Roberts) and Jeremy (Eduardo Franco). Two (lucky) girls, Jeremy’s sister Becky (Geraldine Viswanathan) and Donnie’s ex Sarah (Sadie Calvano) decide to join in and voila! We’ve got the golden gang. Anyway, they go to the forest, make dude/bro/pal/guy jokes for a while and then the unthinkable happens.
Jeremy accidentally cuts off his own penis while peeing and messing around with a switch blade. We even get a shot of a prosthetic penis flying over the moon while the group looks on, very E.T. style. After that it’s a race against time to save Jeremy’s dick from shriveling up and dying. I don’t know enough biology for this. Can a penis be reattached? I have no clue and after the amount of it I saw in the film I’ve had enough pee-pee in my life for a good while, thank you very much.
The entire premise is immature and so is the writing. It feels like The Package was made for teenage boys by teenage boys. There’s only so many times you can use the word ‘dick’ in a sentence before it becomes boring and a tad bit annoying.
The gang is forced to touch, grab and put the prosthetic penis in their mouth for convoluted weird reasons I don’t even want to talk about. They even spend a good amount of the film looking for Jeremy’s severed appendage. What am I even watching at this point?
I would maybe say that, you might like The Package, but chances are you won’t. It makes stupid jokes (the transphobic ones are honestly offensive). Watch something else on the platform, you’re just a click away!
Video Credit – Netflix | YouTube